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Wednesday, December 07, 2011
what is wrong pt. II

Me. I'm what's wrong. I am sad and frustrated and annoyed, and worst of all, I'm acting like a child. And I'm tired. I am so tired of being like this. It has only been a week, but it has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I don't think I've ever cried so much in so short of a span. Everything bad is highlighted, all my fears and annoyances, all of my insecurities. And my worst traits come out. Jealousy, secretiveness. And I am weak. I'm acting like I am a weak person, and I cannot stand it anymore. So it is time to fix myself. And while this is a low point, I will come out of it so much better. I just I can't talk to anyone. The time has come for me to deal with it on my own. I've talked, but all I've done is talk, and now I must act and fix, and be myself again. Only a week, but I feel like I've been this way for months. It's time to become a better person, and while I want to do it for others, I should do it for myself. And because of that, no one needs to know. I will stay secretive, and I will fix it, and I will not let people know of bumps on the way. I will stop writing where people can read, and I will start using this again. But I will write more, and I will write everything, and I won't care, because I can fix it on my own. And they can know when I am done, and when I am fixed, and when I am myself or even better than myself. And everything will be okay. That is the most important part. This is difficult, and I've been crying, but I am so sick of crying and talking, and I am so sad. Because I don't want to deal with this, and in all honesty, I feel like I shouldn't have to. In the twenty years I've been on this earth, I have never had to do this. And that is why I said I was doing it for them. But I should be doing it for myself, and coming to terms with certain issues. I need to help myself, and I am so bad at doing that. It's a constant internal struggle, and while I've been talking and externalizing it, I'm hurting people. And I never want to do that. So I'm retreating back, and maybe I will become better. I don't think they would like it if they knew, but it's what I want to do. If I'm going to do this thing that I absolutely do not want to do, I have to do it my own way. It's awful, because I'm making the same mistake he did. But I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care I don't care. Is it a mistake? It won't be a mistake when everything is all fixed up. It will be a mistake when I distance myself from those I love most. But I am worried, because I always talk. And I worry that I will end up telling, because I always do that. But I won't this time, I won't, I won't. I will just fix it, and everything is fine right now, as far as they know. It's time to hide everything again, and time to stop letting off signals. It's time to act and lie and be fine, while I am actually fixing it. It's better than just normal hiding. I'm not avoiding or not coming to terms. I will fix it, but in the meantime I will lie. And hopefully I won't drive myself crazy, but if I do, no one needs to know. No one needs to know. No one needs to know.
And everything will be okay.

Posted at 11:58 am by dulci
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Thursday, December 16, 2010
what is wrong

This is the first time I've ever really had a problem with Michael. The first time I actually felt like our friendship is in jeopardy, and it's because of what's going on in my head. The realizations I've had.
I've always had things that annoyed me about him. His lack of taste in music, his apathy towards anything cultural or current events related. But I've never had a real problem. I've always just ignored it, been slightly frustrated. Sometimes really frustrated. I've accepted a lot of things about him. Been fine with it, overall. And maybe it's just because I've been away from him for so long. Maybe it's that. But lately, I just feel particularly frustrated. Almost to the point of thinking maybe it would be better if he was not my very bestest friend, as I once thought. Maybe a best friend. But not the best friend.
He's condescending. He just says these things, and it's usually academic related. The kid's smart, there's no doubt about it. But I know plenty of smart people that don't take this tone with people of "lesser" intelligence that he does. Like I'm an engineer, I made time for quidditch. Like fuck you. I'm pre-med, I have to draw comics, I have 6 hours of band a week, plus bassoon lessons. Kelly's a music major, and music majors have to practice all the time. He was a dick to my sister before their AP calculus test. He doesn't even realize it. He just says these things and thinks he's entitled to say it. Fuck. You.
He's apathetic. He doesn't care about learning about other cultures. Like, at all. He doesn't really care about seeing historical sites, doesn't care about traveling, doesn't care about what's going on in the news, doesn't care about learning about new music, or care about seeing live performances. He doesn't care about expanding his horizons, musically or culturally. And I disapprove of that, because I love learning. I love learning for the sake of absorbing new information. And that includes all of the above. He cares about little amusements. His social life, superficial things, little things that amuse. And his world is shrunken down to the size of a pin. Because he doesn't care. And I hate that.
He's unsupportive. I had 4 GDYO concerts. Didn't go to a single one. Didn't even try very hard to make it. That meant a whole fucking lot to me. Probably wouldn't care about seeing other performances. Unless he has a reason, for himself, to be excited to see something, I highly doubt he would go. He hardly went to a soccer game for one of his other best friends. Finally went to one, thought it was boring. Still missed the point. The point is to support your friend, because it means something to them. To be there for people.
Not only unsupportive physically, but just in general. I made a blog. Something that I kind of take pride in, because it's something that some people find interesting. I write these things down, please read them. And he can't make time to do that. I told all the people I'm closest to. Kristen, Kelly, Anwesha, Zamin, Victoria- all of them went and looked. Almost immediately. I don't know how many of them keep up, but they looked. Michael has yet to look. And he was a complete asshole when I told him about. Like what do you write about? And he listed all these inane things. Sure, I say those things, but it's not what I fucking write about. Like fuck you. Don't read it then. Because you're a fucking asshole. He doesn't care, unless there's something in it for him. How hard is it to go read this thing. He has time to do fucking nothing, and can't go read this thing his best friend made. What a fucking awesome best friend.
He pretends to be clueless sometimes to avoid awkward situations. I hate that. Just. Tell. Me. Talk about it. He doesn't talk about it, and it just becomes even more awkward, and I hate it. At the very least, just be straightforward. Don't be an asshole. He made fun of one of his best friends for years, just because she had a major crush on him forever. And he would tease her about it.
He puts a lot of store in how many "likes" his Facebook status gets. And now that he's been getting accustomed to such attention, he wants more. And it's so obvious. He makes statuses with want for as many likes as possible. And I hate that because it's so fake. It's a show he's putting on.
The quidditch thing earlier pissed me off. I was just trying to be nice, because I felt like I was a bit mean the other day. And then he goes and makes it into an argument. And even though he was kind of joking, he was legitimately pissing me off. I even kind of gave in, because I didn't feeling like arguing more. And he still went further with it. And then I got really pissed off. He started talking about ways I could rearrange my time, to make time for quidditch. Like don't fucking tell me how to do things.
He only kind of listens to me. I could say something, and he would just talk about something completely different. And most times I just ignore it, and comment on whatever he says. Because I'm nice.
I've never once heard him say sorry. Never. Not for anything. He doesn't apologize.
I felt bad the other day for calling him lame. But dammit, he is lame. In a lot of ways. But he's my best friend, so yeah, it was my fault. I need to focus on the good things when talking about him. And I apologized a lot. But then I realized, wait, when has this kid ever apologized for missing out on stuff, or just anything? Never. Not fucking ever.
He never wants to do things. I want to take a trip somewhere, go somewhere, do this, do that, be fucking spontaneous for once. And he's like, meh. I understand when he's being logical, but sometimes it's just like oh my god just do something.
And he just has an extremely lame sense of humor. He likes stupid things, thinks some things are awesome. Gets excited about dumb stuff. Doesn't understand smart humor or smart movies. I mean, but this is the part I prefer not to complain about it. Because I can't judge him on his interests, like that's whatever. Like what you like, it's cool. Too bad it's fucking lame as shit.
He's full of it sometimes. Like when he makes a funny status, says something funny, thinks he did something awesome. He makes it really apparent that he just loves himself for doing that thing. Like, haha look at me, I'm so fucking hilarious and amusing. He repeats it, brings it up later. Like oh man, I'm still thinking about this hilarious thing I did. So fuck you. For bringing up how vain I am that one night, just because I was looking at my comics and being proud of myself. It's something I worked hard on, of course I'm proud. You do something funny randomly and keep laughing about it. I can't really get him on this one though, honestly. Because I can be pretty vain at times. But goddammit, I try my best to hide it. And I think I do it pretty damn well.
It takes a lot for him to say how much I mean to him. I've heard it once or twice. And that's one thing I accepted, because I know he's just like that. Doesn't say what he's feeling.
But with all these things bothering me, it doesn't help at all. I don't know what he's thinking, it feels like it's one way, and when I have doubts and major issues with him, there's not anything keeping me from breaking it off.
He said earlier, about some other friends, "even if we drift apart a little, it's not like there aren't people here to fill my time with." That bothers me. People are replaceable to him.
That's also why I am afraid. All of this has been going on in my head lately, but I can't express frustration.
He's the bestest and closest friend I've ever had. We're actually really compatible. We can talk about nothing for hours. He's the best friend I always wanted, forever. I can't lose him.
But if I expressed frustration, what if he just replaced me? There's nothing keeping him from just finding someone else. Nothing to make him want to fix it. He might not even be terribly sad about it. And that's making me cry right now, just thinking about it.
Because it's probably true.

Posted at 03:20 am by dulci
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Monday, August 16, 2010
best friends

So, I felt like writing. But not in the regular thing. So here it goes.
First of all, the Last Airbender soundtrack is pretty damn good. 'Flows Like Water' is an amazing track. In spite of the movies obvious flaws, I was so impressed by the music. Well done James Newton Howard.
Anyway. So, this summer has been pretty awesome. I mean, in a different sort of way. I mean, technically it should suck. I'm stuck home, unable to get a job of any sort. Resigned to only physical therapy. But in this profound emptiness that is my summer, my friendship with Michael has blossomed. Somehow. It's the oddest thing really.
I've always regarded him as one of my best friends, and now that he IS my best friend (it's official in my head, very big deal), I realize that I've finally gotten what I've always wanted. A best friend. I found that in Kristen a few years, but here is my ideal friendship. Someone I can tell anything to, be completely myself around. Call whenever, never worry about anything. While I am so insecure about it sometimes, most times I feel surprisingly and incredibly secure about it. Which is a huge thing for me.
I always worry about friendships. Especially my friendship with Michael. But I've finally gotten to the point when I know that he also thinks of me as his best friend. He appreciates me. He calls me when bored, he tells me things. It's what I have always wanted. I am completely and utterly myself around him. And it is amazing. I love that kid.
For all those years, I just wanted a best friend. A best friend that was my own. And that's what Michael is. I can tell him anything, even if it's about him. I trust him. I can hang out with him for hours, I mean really, if he was the only person I could hang out with, I would be okay with that. Just me and him. That's what this summer was, and I was just so happy.
I mean it's a bit strange, we're very different in a lot of ways. So many ways. A lot of the same interests, but a ton of different ones. But we just have really compatible personalities. We just click.
He's my best friend forever.

Posted at 11:51 am by dulci
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010
saturday, the twelfth

I forgot what it was like to write in a blog that no one will see.
But I have something to say that no one will know.

It was a weird night. Almost like a dream, I can't believe it actually happened. As if we were drunk or high on something. But we weren't.
I always like to tell people things. At least one person. But I don't know who to tell about this. So I write.

It was like we were a couple. Like that dream I had long ago, when I actually dreamt about these things.
And now we're just best friends, and I am happy. But that was so strange.

There were clouds passing up above that made it look like the stars were the ones moving so fast. On the trampoline. An inch away from each other. I was actually in his arms. A wind blew past and I held on tighter.
It was like a game.

I remember a lot more too. But I think that's enough.
But I finally know what it's like to be held by him. As if we were a real couple.
It was the strangest thing.

Silly platonic relationships.

Posted at 05:06 pm by dulci
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Wednesday, March 03, 2010
this is bad.

It's probably a bad thing to hate one of your best friends.
Hate in general is not a good feeling.
It just eats at you.
It's just unhealthy.

Posted at 11:32 pm by dulci
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Tuesday, September 08, 2009
here comes your man

loneliness is awful. not underrated. i'm sorry.
i mean, i'm a judgemental person. and judgemental people are fated to be alone.
and i really love being alone sometimes. but mostly if i don't like who i'm with. but i need people if it's people i really love.
coming home kind of sucks because it makes me realize who and what i miss exactly. i really miss him, i didn't even realize it. because i like sitting around with him and doing nothing.
it's kind of my favorite thing in the world.
this is awful.

and now 500 days of summer, the third time around (lawl), only points out to me how much i want to be in a relationship. i want a boy.

Posted at 05:15 pm by dulci
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
the unexpected

i don't like having to make separate entries for things, but i also don't like people seeing what i'm feeling. thoughts that are random and kind of don't show anything, fine. but not this.
the unexpected has happened. yet expected? because it's just typical of me to do such a thing. or think in such a way.
i mean, i tend to lose passion for things when i've been away for them. when i'm in the heat of the moment, or something like that, when i'm in the middle of an obsession or enveloped by something, it's great. i love it. but if i've been away, it always ends up that i can do without it. i just didn't know that applied to people as well.
i mean, i love my friends dearly. and i missed them so much over the trip. but now that i'm back, i find that i can do without them. previously i had been with them all the time and it was great. but i only saw them a tiny bit. and i seem to be fine.
honestly, it kind of scares me. i don't like feeling like this. i expected more nostalgia. more of the urge to do something as soon as possible. and i do feel it. but not as much as i expected.
same with texting. i've been without it for two weeks, and now that i'm back, i don't do it as much. i don't know. it's all so weird and not me. i'm the one that usually gets unnecessarily sentimental and attached to things and opposed to change. why can't i react the same way as before? this isn't right. this isn't normal.
we shall see though. in two weeks time i shall be in a totally different place, more different than anywhere else i've ever been.
but honestly what makes me sad is that i think it has to do with the green thing. i'm still kind of mad about it. and it's affecting me. and my ability to miss people.
time to write in the public one.

you know, i think what bothers me the most is realizing that he's not going to miss me the most. i hate trying so hard. so now i don't want to try at all. and i hate that it won't matter a bit to him, because he won't even realize it.

Posted at 11:25 pm by dulci
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Saturday, July 18, 2009
music makes the world go 'round

things i'll never say. i freaking love that song. seriously. still.
i mean, despite my music evolution, i still love this song just as much now as i did back then. well, a decade under the influence as well.
why? because it still applies. it always applies, every single year. except for that one year when it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
i'm tired. my head hurts. well, it feels cold due to the ice pack on it. which makes sense.
you know, vomiting while having a nosebleed is not pleasant. but i surprisingly feel fine. and really, the thing i was mostly worried about was getting crap in my hair. i wouldn't move at all until it was out of my face, haha.
i'm excited about tomorrow. bassoon day, finally. hope it's not awkward. shouldn't be...should be fun, right? i forgot they're all still competition. well, it'll be fun for me. assuming things work out. why must i have so many plans? oh, because it's the summer before college. seriously though. tomorrow is bassoon day. sunday is zamin's birthday. monday night is the LOTR marathon and sleepover (epic!). i love my nerdy friends.
but anyway.
i have a roommate! and ryan knows her. kind of. they go to the same school. how ironic, eh? aaand...moore-hill doesn't look so great. should be alright though, right? community bathrooms...ick.
so.
i'm feeling pretty neutral at the moment. umm...yeah.
i still really like this song. despite the fact that it's by avril lavigne.

(at this point in the entry i actually start to have a focus. hurrah!)

okay, so me and christine (i don't care if it's "christine and i," this is the one grammar rule that i like to break just because i feel like it...besides the whole sentence fragment thing that i seem to love so much) started thinking of bands that we wouldn't mind listing if someone asked what kind of music we like. because really, this is a serious issue. one band is grounds for judgement, because it brings the entire genre with it.
oh! and classical music break for a moment. on the way back home, tchaikovsky's violin concert played on 101.1 and i was amazingly happy, because i love that thing and it basically just started. and christine liked my favorite part! i love it when she appreciates classical music that i like. it's kind of odd actually...i can see her appreciating it more than say, michael. which is odd. although then again i really should stop assuming that he hates anything i like. although then again, it's kind of true half the time.
but i digress. (classical music break over)
so, christine was put in a situation in which an older musically knowledgeable person asked her what bands she liked, and after listing interpol out of panic, was then assumed to like muse, to which she said no. which was not entirely true, but there are a lot of judgements to be made from liking muse. not that i don't like muse. i mean, come on, they're pretty awesome. but also think of the impression that comes with liking them. think about it. stephenie freaking meyer likes this band and found it as inspiration for twilight.
no.
it's a tough thing, one of those first impression situations which are essential in establishing music tastes. people, especially people with good music taste, are awfully judgemental. it's a fact.
so, me and christine started compiling bands, about 5. (although later on we discussed how stupid it would sound to just list off 5 bands when asked what is supposed to be a casual question..too planned, very suspicious)
and these couldn't be any bands. they had to be bands that would represent their genre well and fully, give a good impression, weren't too specific, and did not give any sort of connotations that would yield less-than-pleasing judgement.
it's a tough thing. i mean, i get it. whenever i get asked about my favorite music, i freeze up. i mean, i like everything. and if you look at the most played songs on my ipod, it's very scattered. it also doesn't help that my very top most played songs are the one songs from those individual artists that i actually listen to. therefore, it would be inaccurate for me to list said bands as my favorites.
i mean, i love breathe me by sia, but that's all i know. i love hide and seek by imogen heap, but that's only one of the two songs i have by her on my ipod. unless you want to count frou frou. then there would be four. i love everybody's gotta learn sometimes by beck, but all the rest of stuff is so different. and it doesn't matter how much i absolutely love all my friends by lcd soundsystem, i cannot list them without knowing anything else.
and then, there are the bands i really do like a lot of songs by, but couldn't list because it's too specific. i like ben folds, but it's like, okay...piano stuff. i like coldplay, but then again...everyone does. and anyway, i mostly like their first album, parachutes. and then the scientist. and then viva la vida and lovers in japan. and violet hill. okay, their first album and their latest album then. but you can't just list coldplay. just like how you can't just list radiohead.
and then i like death cab for cutie, but wow too many connotations to go along with that. and not very good ones at times. and the shins? way too cliché at this point. thanks a lot garden state.
too many things with cake as well. and the strokes! where to begin with that...oh, and it just occurred to me that kings of leon would work well for this list. which i shall now start actually listing.
so first of all, arcade fire.
perfect! they're epic. they're awesome. and they present they're genre very well. plus, i actually have they're full discography.
mates of state. they're different, they're upbeat, they're amazing. plus, i saw them live.
phoenix. different genre, represents well. danceable, upbeat...awesome (i really need a different adjective).
yann tiersen. completely different now. instrumental stuff (which i already love, but excluding my individual interest in instrumental music), but very much appreciated still. amelie soundtrack = greatness.
and who was the fifth one? i swear we had a fifth...i don't think it was belle & sebastian? i remember thinking i wanted them on the list, but christine not really including them. who was it then..?
damn.
ah well. anyway, you really can't list things like neutral milk hotel, because it's too folky. you can't list things like what's on the juno soundtrack, despite the fact that i love it, because again, too many connotations. hmm...what about spoon? they're pretty good. but it's in a different direction.
oh! now i remember. of montreal. that was part of the five. different, electronic, but awesome.
also can't list the decemberists...i mean, you know how when bands have this particular sound? if it's too much, too specific...you can't just list it. in order to be general and include these other bands at the same time, it has to be something on the list.
man, i'm giving myself a headache with all these rules. because now i'm thinking i really need one band to represent the folksy stuff. it's hard though. i mean, sufjan stevens? ahh too much to think about. and beirut. where does he go?
and kings of convenience! i love them. they should make the list..
now, this would apply to both me and christine for the most part.
and at this point, now i have to delve into how i love classical. i think i could list tchaikovsky, just because i really love mostly everything by him. he's a baller, no joke (i know, i know, mahler is the real baller). i mean, i also love individual things by rimsky-korsakov, berlioz, and elgar, but i can't list them because i simply don't know enough about the rest of their work. vivaldi is also pretty cool. chopin. now i can list him because of his awesome piano stuff. but ha, maybe like ben folds, he's too one track. rachmaninoff? awesome. shostakovich...unfortunately i only really know two things. mozart is too generic, like coldplay. goodness. ah well, at least i really like tchaikovsky well enough to represent my love for classical music. (don't forget brahms, beethoven, and bach! but aren't they just implied?) oh! and debussy! good stuff. represents the impressionists. okay, well if we're going like that..tchaikovsky is romanticism, debussy as mentioned before, and vivaldi is baroque? yes? well do i need a modern? stravinsky. there. or what about prokofiev? hmmph. what about ravel and faure?
goodness. so, not saying anything final because this requires more thinking, but my list is starting to look something like this...
arcade fire, of montreal, yann tiersen, belle & sebastian-
damn it! and i just remembered. is it also required to list the smiths? representation of the old but very very good. the kinks? the zombies? oh lord.
anyway...on with "the list" contenders. i really should put a limit on this otherwise i'm just going to be spouting too many...ah well, again this is preliminary. let's just go with purely rough draft type of stuff. off the top of my head...
arcade fire, of montreal, yann tiersen, belle and sebastian, kings of convenience, phoenix, the decemberists, radiohead, kings of leon, ben folds, tchaikovsky, chopin, debussy.
umm...yeah. avett brothers? too one track, i believe.
ooh! i love modest mouse. can they make the list? i dunno. how long should this list be anyway?
i think the best way to do this would be to go be genre. have a number of genres, and fill 'em.
anyway, i'll save that for later. sleep would be good now.

Posted at 01:43 am by dulci
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
oh, wait a second

I hate moodiness! I mean, seriously?
You know what I just realized? I was getting happier again. I was fine with things. I was actually accepting things and looking at it differently. Just..it was better.
And then Zamin went and made me feel awful again. I mean, would it have been better if he didn't tell me? I don't know. I like to know things. But the morning after, when I woke up earlier than I would have liked and couldn't fall asleep again, it was all I could think about. And now I really wish he didn't tell me.
I hate this. I hate faking things. I hate faking friendships especially. You'd think I could avoid that in the summer when you actually get to pick and choose who you see. Too bad as of now the two people I want to see the most are the two that make me feel terribly sad. It's not a good thing.
I'm afraid I'm reverting back.
I mean...I had vowed to be a happier person, with a different outlook. And now I'm back to square one. And I feel alone again. I have the best friends I've ever had before and I can't tell them anything.
And that is why I need to get out of here.

When did it turn into this? I miss the days when I was happy.
Seriously, I hate thinking about it, because I was really, really happy.
Why can't I ever cry when it actually matters? Not only that, it seems like I can't ever cry when there are people around. But when I'm alone, wow. Why does Zamin like to cry? I can't stand it.
This year has been bad enough as it is without this stuff going on. So many failures, I can't believe how I was able to stay optimistic through it. In fact, the only thing keeping me going was the social aspect that seemed to be doing so well. So maybe I'm just going to excel at everything else now that my friendships are falling apart. That always seems to be the case, doesn't it.
Why can I still stay optimistic when my very future seems to be going up in smoke? How can I have such a good perspective on things when things go bad?
Especially when I cry whenever I think about not making area, or at the thought of the two of them.
I just want to- I don't know. I just want to go back to when it was just us. Me and Kelly. Me and Michael. The three of us? Umm sure. The two of them? Fuck no.
I hate this. I want this feeling to go away. I want to go away. And meet completely new people.
I want to forget.
Which is funny.
Because before when I was happy, I was afraid of forgetting. I wanted to remember everything.
Now? God, I can't even imagine putting pictures up because at this point they'll just depress me. How sad is that.

I'm so sad right now. I want to be happy again.

Posted at 08:54 pm by dulci
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i don't know

Joseph's keeps eating paper nonchalantly as if they're potato chips.
That is bad.
I'm worried about college. What more can I say? I think that's what it comes down to.
I want to hang out with my friends because i'm not going to see them for a while and I probably won't be as close to them later as I am right now, because I am afraid that I won't make friends in college.
I want to know where and who I'm living with. I feel like I should know by now, but they haven't told me yet.
I do not plan things well, because my head is spinning with too many thoughts and it's all very confusing and ends up as very poorly organized blog entries. Or just the one entry. I guess. Because I don't keep up with this enough for it to be plural.
What I am good at keeping up with is stream of consciousness. But that doesn't require work, just boredom and paper.
So...last time I wrote I was frustrated. Well, things worked out. Kind of. And I cooled down. And then more crap happened. But I think it's just me being stupid.
Actually, no. This time I think I have reason to feel like this. Maybe not quite to this extent, but some of it.
I hate this feeling. It muddles my thoughts and renders me unable to write/think/speak. And then I start mumbling again.
The only good that can come out of this is that it makes me want to leave and make new friends. I really do need new friends. Or I don't know...different ones.
But before I delve into all of that, I really should update things. Because things have happened, trust me.
So, in an earlier entry I mentioned what s to come. Well, seeing as how all but the two last things have happened, now would be as good a time as any to write about it all. Or at least go over the important bits. Oh, and before I forget, I really should try to keep up with this in college. It would be a good thing to have. Hopefully my life will be interesting enough to write about.
So.
Band trip - Corpus Christi : Fun stuff, despite the fact that I hate the beach. I was with Kelly and Michael a lot. It was fun.
UIL Region - Lubbock : There is nothing at Texas Tech except for a nice looking student union. We sucked it up, but hey at least I found the practice rooms with pianos in them.
AP Exams : Sucked. A much more laid back approach than last year. Does not bode well. (Well, considering that I now have more scores, yes it was very bad indeed)
Band Banquet : Fun. But not as fun as it could have been. Awful first half. Absolutely dreadful. Great, hilarious band video. Fun dance.
Last GDYO Concert : Sad! I shall miss it. Such talented people...It was great. I'm so glad I have that experience. Daniel waved bye to me! Awesome bassoon section. Double reed section, really.
Senior Picnic : Fun! I forgot that I have senior friends that I really, genuinely like to hag out with.
Prom : So much fun! Fell down the stairs at Mikhail's. Same dress as Lauren Kelly, most unfortunate. Michael and Zamin wouldn't get off the dance floor. Amazingly fun. Better than band banquet.
CMA Banquet : Senior girl award! Woot! We made it fun by taking lots of pictures. I'll miss the CMA group a bit.
State Solo and Ensemble : Fun day except for the whole three tickets in one day tragedy. And the fact that I got a 2 on both my solo and ensemble. Sucky day... Except for when I got to hang out with Michael and Zamin a ton.
Graduation (Project Graduation) : Not as hot as it could have been. My hair looked good in pictures! I actually wore heels. Pretty good. Didn't cry, surprisingly. Forgot to pick up my actual diploma...still need to pick that up. Project graduation was also really fun. Free things are nice, as well as getting money. Started to get annoyed at people for a bit though.
UT Orientation : Social fail. Other than that, some interesting stuff. I like walking around by myself.. as Matt pointed out to me at Tring.
Tring : So much fun! Great experience. Loved the Clarks. Loved England. Loved standing outside during the dance with Kelly, Shane, and Michael. Discovered that I have pet allergies... Britain vs. USA football game was pretty much the best thing ever.
And....yeah. So much more to expand on, but hey, to be succinct is cool too.
Well, now that I've gone over what were mostly fun bits, I'm not in the mood to discuss the unpleasant stuff.
So, more fun stuff. Ever since I've gotten back from Tring I've actually been hanging out with people. It's kind of cool. Just hanging out at Michael's. At Anwesha's. Went to North Park, dressed Michael and wow he looked good. Then Half-Price Bookstore. Zamin told me some things that made me cry. But yeah, The Harry Potter premiere was amazingly fun. I missed my other friends, I really did. And then slept over at Kristen's last night for the long overdue Whedon-thon. And this Saturday we should be having our bassoon gathering. Fun stuff.
Okay, so like what I did a long time ago in which I listed what I loved, I'll do it again. I love that I can just hang out with them and be weird and be myself. I love that they like my stream of consciousness.
But you know what I loved the most? When it was just us two. Because now the hates outweigh the loves.
I hate how they make me feel. I hate that they make me worry. I hate that I can't talk to them anymore. I hate that they don't talk to me anymore. I hate that being with them increasingly makes me look forward to leaving.
I hate that I feel this way. I used to genuinely like her. She would say she's annoying, and I would mean it when I said that she really wasn't. That it was funny. I genuinely felt good about that friendship. I finally felt like I really had a best friend that I could hang out with al the time and tell things to and be weird with. I kind of have that with the other. But it's not the same as those few months when I was really happy about things.
Well now it's not funny anymore. When she apologizes for being annoying, I secretly agree with her.
I'm an awful person. An awful friend. I always put him first.
And now I don't know what to do.
Or how to think. She thinks I'm tired. But if I was tired I would tell her. What I really am is sad.
And it's not just disappointment. It's this gnawing feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. Like my heart hurts terribly. I just want to stand/sit/lie still. I don't want to move. I especially don't want to think. There's this pulling in my chest, and I can't breathe almost.
Do they understand that? Could they understand that?
I feel awfully lonely. Zamin's the only one who knows.
And I can't just let it all out on him, that's not fair. I felt bad acting like that around him, it was bringing him down. And I don't want to do it anymore.
But I can't tell anyone and it's awful. At least with Kyle I had others to talk to, people who understood. But with this? I don't know. I want to tell Ryan really bad.
It's an odd relationship I have with Ryan. I like texting him. I like talking to him. But it's so odd to basically be friends with someone solely over text. But I talk to him the most probably. Why? Because he doesn't know the people I know. No repercussions to be had.
But I really should talk to someone who is here. Well, at this point I really should talk to someone period.

Posted at 07:49 pm by dulci
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